Health

Coping With Children Going Away to University

I originally wrote this post (or a version of it) two years ago. My children, (children? they are now 24 and 21!) have now left university, but every year around this time I am reminded of how difficult those first few weeks in September and October were. For me… not for them.

This year. of course, there are new challenges, with parents having the added concerns of the coronavirus pandemic, an understandable worry given the the close proximity in which students tend to live.

Remember that the safety and wellbeing of students will be the highest priority of all universities this autumn. Most universities have adapted their campus and buildings to facilitate social distancing and require everyone who can, to wear a face covering whilst indoors. Online lectures and small group teaching will replace the usual massive lecture halls, and it is likely accommodation will consist of small households within student halls. And while there may not be the usual Freshers Week festivities, most universities are providing an exciting Welcome Week centred around safe online events.

Coronavirus notwithstanding, the message of this post remains the same: Letting go is hard but it does get easier. Believe me on that! I’ve been through it twice! Here follows the original post uploaded September 2018:

This morning, my daughter is off to University. She has been with me here all summer and I’m trying really hard not to cry. I’m almost managing it. Almost. Three years ago this week, we took my son to university for the first time, and since that was my first experience of a child leaving home, that was a very hard day.  For me of course, not for him. For him, it was the start of a whole new chapter in his life, and he couldn’t wait.

I had been working up to it for weeks and on the day we took him to Bath,  I was a wreck inside. When we arrived, I made sure I was all positive and excited for him, in fact slightly over so, as I remember Andy having to yank me out of a queue.  Trying to be helpful, I had got into the keys queue at the accommodation office, but Andy pulled me to one side and said  “No. Let him do that.”

I was delighted and relieved when we met some lovely people in his flat. He seemed perfectly happy and I was determined I  would not outstay my welcome.  But I was having difficulty keeping it together when my son helpfully suggested we could leave.  As I hugged him, he whispered “Don’t cry mum.” I couldn’t speak, so I just gulped an answer and got in the car. Once we had driven round the corner, the floodgates open and I cried all the way home. Andy tried to say comforting things, but there was nothing to say really. My firstborn had left home to start his new life and although I was happy and excited for him for him, I knew things would never ever be the same.

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That first week at home without him was difficult. I tortured myself worrying that he was miserable and had not taken University life, that he was lonely and unhappy.  I fell into the trap of texting him.  Quite a lot. Of course, he was out having the time of his life, and that was why he was too busy to text me.

I remember when he was just a few weeks old and I was struggling with the car seat and some shopping. I wasn’t having a good day and I thought to myself.  “This is what is going to be like for the next 18 years!”  (I was referring to the responsibility, not the car seat.)  18 years in the future then felt like a life time, but it passed in about 5 minutes flat. My son has now left university but continues to live in Bath and is a beautiful person inside and out. He is everything I had hoped he would be, and I couldn’t be more proud.

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The reason I’m so sad about my daughter today, is I don’t think she will really ever come home to live again. On the one hand that breaks my heart, on the other it makes me so excited for her and her future.  She is kind, funny, clever and very beautiful.  I can hardly believe that I (and their father!) have managed to produce such well rounded human beings.

The excitement they both have for these next stages of their lives is hugely gratifying and I am pleased that they are both so positive … but I can’t help thinking about the last 20 years, and all the memories I have of them growing up. And that, of course, is perfectly natural.

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If you are waving goodbye to your baby this week, I really feel for you and I promise that it does get better as the days go on. Here are a few tips that helped me:

Keep busy. I threw myself into work for the first week they were away.

Talk to people about your feelings.  I talked about it to anyone who would listen, including some business associates who looked at me a little oddly. It didn’t matter, getting those feelings out are much better than trying to hold them in.

Don’t text every 5 minutes, even though you want to.  I know it’s tempting, especially when you are not getting a reply. Instead of realising that they are too busy to text back as they are having such a good time, you start thinking the worst.  In my sons first year, I texted him so many times on one occasion without response, that I eventually went to his Facebook, found a friend I had heard him mention, and messaged him! It turned out my son was sleeping off a hangover. I vowed I would never do that again!

Be happy and positive for them, it’s OK to be weeping out of sight, but not really fair on them if you are seen to be very upset and crying as you leave, and can be embarrassing in front of new friends.

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If they do have wobbly moments in those first weeks, offer a listening ear, and direct them to getting support from the University. There will be plenty available. Do NOT suggest they come back home whatever you do.  It can be overwhelming for some students to start with; it’s  like getting a new job and a new home at the same time, and we know how stressful those things can be, even separately! Don’t worry, most will settle in very quickly.

Make plans to visit mid-term so you have something to look forward to.  They can then enjoy giving you a tour of their University and showing off their new town to you.

It isn’t easy. I know.  Remember they have their own lives now, and their future is in their own hands for the first time. Trust them to manage it. Never tell them how sad you are, they don’t need to know and anyway, you will feel better in a few weeks. Be positive, happy and encouraging, and remember that you will always be their mum/dad, and they will always need you. Just in a different way. ❤️

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19 replies »

  1. Wow! I needed to read this, as I have literally just left my eldest back at university for his second year having been home with us since March. I leave my youngest as a fresher in a few days time. You are right, it does get easier, I am in a better place than this time last year, but still…..covid adds another dimension. Thanks for your words!

    • Oh bless you thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment! It is tough but it does get easier as you say… hope your children have a wonderful time! Kids are extremely adaptable and will make their own way… the hard bit is realising it’s time to step back and let them do it xx❤️

  2. This was me last year! It does get easier but I still cry when we leave my daughter after a visit! Thanks for posting this! Great to know other Moms feel the same way.

  3. Mine leaves Wednesday, due to covid only one person can take him so I will have to wave him goodbye at home, and hope he will make it home at Christmas, think it’s all the extra uncertainty this year that’s not helping.

    • Ah I hope they are settling in OK by now. The Covid situation is not helping you are right, but young people all over the country are making the best of it where they can and adapting to the situation.

  4. My son went to uni just over a week ago. The week before he left I was a mess but put it down to work pressure, family difficulties etc. I still find mornings the worst time – he never got up until 12 if he wasn’t working so not sure why I’m finding mornings difficult.
    Frankly I’m lost. I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve always planned my days around when he needed me to give him a lift etc. He’s happy. He’s enjoying life but I’m counting down the weeks until he can come home for Christmas – COVID-19 permitted.
    Thank you so much for letting me know that I’m not going through this alone

    • Ah Paula thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment – I hope you are feeling better by now. Perhaps its time to start thinking about you and thinking about how you can fill those hours you devoted to him….. I appreciate Covid wont make that easy but its a nice idea to sit down and think about some new hobbies/projects/ pastimes you might like to take up … xx

  5. Not sure if I’m ‘normal’ as I loved it when the boys went of to uni, knowing that I’d done my job ‘good enough’. The times they used to call and I’d sit down ready for a lengthy chat about how they were doing — I’d hear “Hi Mama, you know when you cook curry, when do you put the lime/curry leaves in?” or “Hey Mama, can you put pork in a paella?” I’d give them the answer and it was “Thanks Mama, love you!” and “Thoughts so. Love you Mama.” They must have missed me at some point 🙂

  6. This brings a lump to my throat! I left my eldest at uni last weekend. We’ve been trying not to text too much, wanting to not intrude, but have just had a lovely skype call with him. Seems he’s settling in well, though things are a little quiet ATM.

    • Oh bless you! I know exactly what you are feeling…. and i think its made worse by the Covid situation…. I’m so glad he is settling in well, I’m sure he will be fine. Sending lots of love to you x

  7. I loved your post… So true! I love having my boys visit but obviously less often due to covid. Last year when my youngest son left for uni (in the UK, we live in France) I really suffered empty nest syndrome and I dug out all the school photos and posted them around my home office space. I missed them sooo much. But you’re right, it does get easier and I love and wholeheartedly support their independence. They’re wonderful people and I’m very proud of them.

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