Health

On Being A Mum

Both my children are at home at the moment for a whole month, which is a highly unusual event given that they are now coming 20 and 23 years old. I’m absolutely loving it! How proud I am of them and the people they have become. They are, quite literally, all I had hoped they would be.

If I could have foreseen this day when I was 20, I don’t think I would have believed it. I wasn’t someone who ever considered having children. Being an only child,  I hadn’t grown up in the proximity of other small beings, and had therefore decided that it probably wouldn’t come naturally to me to be a mum.  Therefore, my pregnancy with my first child was a bit of an odd experience. I remember a couple of friends were pregnant at the same time,  and there was much excitement over trips to Mothercare and the picking out of buggies and prams. I felt none of this and it worried me… what if I didn’t  FEEL anything when my child was born?

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My son was born in October 1996 and I literally became a lioness overnight. The love I felt for him hit me so hard and was so unexpected, that I think I was in a state of shock for the first few days of his life. I kept holding him thinking “I can’t actually BELIEVE it, I can’t believe that I have given birth to something so beautiful.” It wasn’t all plain sailing, when he was 3 weeks old, I developed mastitis and was very ill indeed, but I was spared post natal depression, for which I am eternally grateful, as I understand that this affects 1 in 10 new mums and is as  debilitating as it is terrifying.

I was keen to add to our family as soon as possible and was pregnant again by the time my son was little over a year old. Sadly, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. Thankfully, I was able to get pregnant again fairly quickly, and this time, in July 1999, gave birth to an impossibly beautiful baby girl.

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Unfortunately, when my son was 9 and my daughter 7, their father and I split up, and I spent the next five years or so in a pit of guilt,  worrying about how they were coping with having 2 homes and essentially 2 separate lives. They coped incredibly well as it turned out. Children are amazing at adapting and readjusting when circumstances change.

We have had ups and downs over the years, wonderful times and challenging periods, as everyone does.  I hope that even in the most challenging times, I never stopped showing them that they were the most important part of my life. It’s been wonderful, inspiring and terrifying being a mum of 2 small human beings. And I have loved every minute. Every single minute.

And now suddenly, they are grown. One still at university, but finishing in the next year. The other one emigrating to Canada next month!  So what have I learned? What advice can I offer to those just starting out? Here is a short list, a very short list, because you will find your own way…. but I hope you find it helpful: ❤️

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1. Throw away the books that well-meaning friends and relatives may offer on how to be a wonderful parent. They will make you feel like a useless, failing parent. Trust your instincts. They are more important and more real than a million ‘how to parent your child’ books.

2. Do not allow yourself to get wound up with what your child “should” be doing at any given stage. Your child will develop perfectly adequately in their own time and, comparing with others, will only make you either boastful or paranoid.

3. Do not fly with young babies. No, I don’t care what you say, it’s a bad idea.

4. Be as positive and happy as you can. If you are happy so will your baby/child be.

5. Take photos – like every 5 minutes – because it goes so fast and one day you wake up and they are 23 and you will wish you had taken more photos when they were toddlers.

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6. When my kids were junior school age, I remember a couple of friends encouraging their children to call them by their first name instead of ‘mum.’ I would advise against this. You are their mum, not their friend. The distinction is important.

7. Don’t beat yourself up. No one is a perfect mother.  I know I am not, but I’m good enough and that’s what matters. As a new mum, you need time to learn and adjust. You will learn as you go along and that’s absolutely fine. Ask for help when you need it, remembering that owning not being able to cope, and reaching out for help is a strength not a weakness.

8. Set boundaries from an early age. Boundaries are so important. As long as they are the right ones, they will make your child feel safe, not restricted.

9. When you make a mistake, own it and apologise. Your kids will respect you for being able to show that everyone makes mistakes, and it’s ok for them to do so too.

10. Always try and give them your time and attention. But also make sure you preserve your own life. Don’t lose your identity, you are still you, not simply someone’s mum.

Finally … Teach them to be polite and friendly, respectful and aware. Teach them about the environment. Teach them to be kind.

I remember vividly going into town a few days before my first child was born. I saw a new mum struggling with a baby and a child seat and I thought, “This is it! My last few days where I am responsible for only myself. It’s going to be a very long time before I can say that again”. That point seemed a lifetime away. Now that day has, to some extent, come, and I feel shocked that the time has gone so quickly. So, if you take anything from this article at all, please remember to enjoy every single moment. No, every second. Because this time is the most precious you will ever know. ❤️

“To raise a child who is comfortable enough to leave you, means you have done your job. They are not ours to keep, but to teach how to soar on their own” Author Unknown

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I hope you enjoyed this post. You may also be interested in my post Children Leaving Home to go to University .❤️

5 replies »

  1. Beautiful children, and great tips. Especially number 1, which we learned the hard way. “What to Expect When you are Expecting” was the worst thing that happened to my wife when we had our first daughter. That was fifteen years ago.

    • Yes those parenting books have a lot to answer for. Thanks for the comment – much appreciated as ever.

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