I think ‘only’ children have had a bit of a bad rap. Being an ‘only’ myself, I cannot tell you how many times I have had to defend myself against the dreaded “Only Child Syndrome” – being accused of being selfish, unfriendly, self obsessed, bossy and the opposite of people who like to share (whatever that is). The American psychologist G Stanley Hall, wrote that being an only child was “a disease in itself.” Slightly harsh I feel.
Talking to a friend the other day, I realised just how uncommon it is to be an only child and even more so, when there are no cousins or young people in the extended family. That was my experience of growing up though, and hearing that, people often remark how sad that is. Which is odd. I would not have changed a thing, though I don’t deny that there were some things that I probably missed out on.
I grew up in Somerset, Stafford and Devon and can honestly say that I have never wanted for anything in terms of basic care, and nor did I did miss the companionship and company of a sibling during my formative years.
I certainly do remember being alone a lot as a child and have wondered if this has coloured my view of the world as an adult. I have been called selfish, (surely not, you cry) and it is assumed that because I was an ‘only’, I was spoilt.
I think I was alone a lot, but not lonely, and as far as being selfish, I believe I probably learned to share earlier than anyone, as I was always very aware of people assuming that I would not. I was certainly quite confident from an early age and focused, later even described as “driven.”
There was no competition with other children in the family, which may have resulted in my non competitive nature, but there is something about having to be self-reliant which makes an ‘only’ very independent very early. I think it has made me stronger as there was no one to hide behind and I learnt very quickly to stand up for myself, simply because there was no one to stand up for me.
My bond with my parents was different to those with bigger families, as there were just the three of us and I think I became more self aware, having no one to compete with or to compare to. I don’t think the lack of comparison was necessarily a negative, as there was plenty of competition and children to compare myself with outside of the family.
I certainly developed a strong imagination! Spending so much time on my own, I had all sorts of imaginary friends and made up all sorts of stories. I didn’t learn to rely on anyone else and didn’t have to deal with any sibling rivalry or fights.
Sibling rivalry can be a real problem in families. Later, when I became a mum myself, some of my friends had children who literally seemed to hate each other, and any parent who has dealt with warring children will know that it is a horrible way to live. I have heard horror stories such as not being able to watch a television programme without children fighting and days out and holidays can become nightmarish. Of course there is another side of the coin; those siblings who have close bond and respect and support each other, particularly in times of difficulty. That, I feel I did miss out on. And I remember being very envious of girlfriends at school who had older brothers to look out for them.
But I didn’t rely on others for happiness and I learnt to depend entirely on myself. No one stole any of my things, I was also never known as someone’s sister and I think I became good quite early on conversing with adults. And surely it’s not about the number of children that are in the family, but the quality of those relationships?
I read recently that in various studies and research, ‘only’ children score very well (compared with those that have brothers and or sisters) in being flexible, imaginative and creative, which fits with being on your own and amusing yourself. However only children were also thought to be less able to mix with others, develop relationships and interestingly, understand and convey empathy. “Only’s” also however, are thought to be better behaved at school.
I believe that if I had had siblings, I would have been alone a lot less and therefore would not be as happy as I am when I find myself in that state. I know plenty of people who are horrified at the thought of even a single day alone, but I love it! I’m happily married and love having the children around, but also regularly need time on my own.
I am not suggesting children should always be alone, of course, far from it! Children need to practice skills such as compromising and co-operating, sharing and caring for others, and cultivating the ability to being socially aware and interactive. But this is easily achieved at school.
So, although I wouldn’t have changed anything, I think there were times when it would have been lovely to have a brother or sister, or even some cousins who were close in age. But that was not to be.
I don’t think that I’m cold or aloof, I admit to being somewhat insular, but that’s my choice. I don’t think I have ever lacked empathy, indeed I became a counsellor! Selfish? That’s a hard one to quantify. Perhaps ask Andy or the kids what they think about that one! I have always been at ease with myself and whether that’s anything to do with being an “only,”well, who knows? But as I said at the beginning, given the choice, I wouldn’t change a thing.❤️
Thanks for this discussion on children without brothers and sisters. Our child has no siblings, and we’ve noticed a lot of what you mention here: creativity, imagination, and ease in speaking with adults. Our child has cultivated long term friendships with children in neighboring families, which has been wonderful. I agree, neighbors and school are good places for “onlys” to socialize. Glad to hear growing up without siblings felt positive to you. -Rebecca
Thank you very much for reading and I’m sure your ‘only’ will grow up self aware and full of confidence. Parenting is much more effective in shaping a child for the future than having/not having a sibling. Thank you very much for taking the time to leave a comment, much appreciated.
Thanks, I like what you said about the parenting part. Parenting is always a work in progress. : ) Rebecca
It certainly is, and we can all only do our best. And that’s enough! Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
I’m an only child too, and I completely relate, especially in the close-knit-family part. My childhood was all books and building blocks, and I don’t regret it at all. Even though people continue to ask me whether the loneliness did not bother me. It was a fun of a different sort, and different is almost always great. 🙂
It absolutely is! Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment, much appreciated.
For many reasons, including my own son being an ‘only’ and my own self being one of twelve children (full siblings – no step or half-siblings) I found this fascinating, insightful and interesting to read. I really feel, in describing and sharing your own experience, you are describing so much of what I recognise in my own son (James) and how I see him confidently, securely, independently and sensitively developing and growing. Interestingly I also feel you have really captured or highlighted for me some of the assumptions that can be made about what it means to have siblings e.g. ‘learning to share’ …. whereas my reality was I had no choice in this, and it felt more like ‘enforced’ sharing rather than a ‘learning’ to share (I want to really stress this is only my experience and I really own this). What I do believe- as already mentioned and acknowledged – is that the opportunities for socialising, interacting, developing relationships and friendships (and all the skills involved in these) are available far beyond the sibling relationship and I am really enjoying watching my son grow with a confidence in his own self, with his own resilience and resourcefulness, with him being really comfortable in his own self, feeling secure and and enjoying close friendships in which he values those friends dearly and those friends value him.
I would also just want to add – I have never once experienced even a hint of selfishness in you Karen . Clarity of mind – Yes, Assertiveness- Yes, Confidence – Yes … Being Comfortable in Your Own Skin – YES ….. but never, ever selfishness.
Thank you so much for writing and sharing this …. it has been an insightful and interesting read. Xxxx
Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. I can’t tell you how much it means. Your James is growing up with the most wonderful parenting – can’t beat that! Love you xxx
I love you too…. and knowing you are an ‘only’ gives me a fabulous role model for how ‘only’s’ can become. Love your blog so much- thank you for being so generous in sharing your self in this. Also, thank you for what you say about parenting- this is a huge compliment for me – particularly knowing what a wonderful parent you are! Keep on being You… in all of your wonderful ‘Only-ness’ Xxxxx
❤️❤️❤️
I agree with you… that the “only child” syndrome is yet another fallacy. It is quite misrepresented that an only child is selfish, unfriendly and bossy. In fact I have seen quite the opposite. I am not an only child and do not have any direct relationship with an only child. However I know quite a few “only” adults that are most friendly and far from selfish. I have also seen very selfish and bossy attributes in multiple child upbringings. So I think you are spot on, this is just another misrepresented stereotype.
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. I’m so delighted that this post has caused so many people to comment. Really interesting that there are so many assumptions with regard to only children that people make, and the reality is often as you say, the opposite!
Being an only child myself, I totally felt connected with this post. I saw my self in your words and I do agree with you.
Being “an only child” has a lot of stigma I would stay. People judge you before actually knowing you.
They would often say after getting to know me. “ it’s a good thing you aren’t spoilt like other only child’s.” Part of me is flattered part of me is offended for others who are generalised in that way.
“Being alone but not lonely.” Very well said. It’s true. We are often alone growing up. But we have nothing to compare it to so I can’t complain. Being a lonely is a choice.
Thank you for this. It made me really reflect on a lot of things. Have a great day 😊
It’s amazing how many of us “onlys” are out there! I’m so glad the post resonated with you. Thank you for taking the time to send me your thoughts. 😍
Anytime 😊
Totally agree with this. I don’t find I missed out as a child but now I’m older and the thought of losing my parents gets closer, I think it would be nice to have more family.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. That’s very true and a good point. Ageing does change our perspective! ❤️