This morning, my daughter is off to University to start her second year. She has been with me here all summer and I’m trying really hard not to cry. I’m almost managing it. Almost. Three years ago this week, we took my son to university for the first time and since that was my first experience of a child leaving home, that was a very hard day. For me of course, not for him. For him, it was the start of a whole new chapter in his life and he couldn’t wait.
I had been working up to it for weeks and on the day we took him to Bath, I was a wreck inside. When we arrived I made sure I was all positive and excited for him, in fact slightly over so, as I remember Andy having to yank me out of a queue. Trying to be helpful, I had got into the keys queue at the accommodation office, but Andy pulled me to one side and said “No. Let him do that.”
I was delighted and relieved when we met some lovely people in his flat. He seemed perfectly happy and I was determined I would not outstay my welcome. But I was having difficulty keeping it together when my son helpfully suggested we could leave. As I hugged him, he whispered “Don’t cry mum.” I couldn’t speak, so I just gulped an answer and got in the car. Once we had driven round the corner, the floodgates open and I cried all the way home. Andy tried to say comforting things but there was nothing to say really. My firstborn had left home to start his new life and although I was exhilarated for him, things would never ever be the same.
That first week at home without him was difficult. I tortured myself worrying that he was miserable and had not taken University life, that he was lonely and unhappy. I fell into the trap of texting him. Quite a lot. Of course he was out having the time of his life, and that was why he was too busy to text me.
I remember when he was just a few weeks old and I was struggling with the car seat and some shopping. I wasn’t having a good day and I thought to myself. “This is what is going to be like for the next 18 years!” (I was referring to the responsibility, not the car seat.) 18 years in the future then felt like a life time, but it passed in about 5 minutes flat. My son has now left university but continues to live in Bath and is a beautiful person inside and out. He is everything I had hoped he would be and I couldn’t be more proud.
The reason I’m so sad about my daughter today, is I don’t think she will really ever come home to live again. On the one hand that breaks my heart, on the other it makes me so excited for her and her future. She is kind, funny, clever and very beautiful. I can hardly believe that I (and their father!) have managed to produce such well rounded human beings.
The excitement they both have for these next stages of their lives is hugely gratifying and I am pleased that they are both so positive … but I can’t help thinking about the last 20 years and all the memories I have of them growing up. And that, of course, is perfectly natural.
If you are waving goodbye to your baby this week, I really feel for you and I promise that it does get better as the days go on. Here are a few tips that helped me:
Keep busy. I threw myself into work for the first week they were away.
Talk to people about your feelings. I talked about it to anyone who would listen, including some business associates who looked at me a little oddly. It didn’t matter, getting those feelings out are much better than trying to hold them in.
Don’t text every 5 minutes even though you want to. I know it’s tempting, especially when you are not getting a reply. Instead of realising that they are too busy to text back as they are having such a good time, you start thinking the worst. In my sons first year, I texted him so many times on one occasion without response, that I eventually went to his Facebook, found a friend I had heard him mention and messaged them! It turned out my son was sleeping off a hangover. I vowed I would never do that again!
Be happy and positive for them, it’s OK to be weeping out of sight but not really fair on them if you are seen to be very upset and crying as you leave, and can be embarrassing in front of new friends.
If they do have wobbly moments in those first weeks, offer a listening ear, and direct them to getting some support from the University. Do NOT suggest they come back home whatever you do. It can be overwhelming to start with, it’s like getting a new job and a new home at the same time, and we know how stressful those things can be, even separately! Don’t worry, most settle in very quickly.
Make plans to visit mid-term so you have something to look forward to. They can then enjoy giving you a tour of their University and showing off their new town to you.
It isn’t easy. I know. Remember they have their own lives now and their future is in their own hands for the first time. Trust them to manage it. Never tell them how sad you are, they don’t need to know and anyway, you will feel better in a few weeks. Be positive, happy and encouraging and remember that you will always be their mum/dad and they will always need you. Just in a different way. ❤️
I Understand And I Agree. My Only Niece Started College This Year. My Mom and I Have Been There Four Times Already. I Don’t Have Any Children. But That’s My Baby, I Get So Concerned About Her. But She Always Say Im Okay. Im Fine. Just Going To Class And Hanging Out With My Friends She Say. Every Time We Go. Im Bringing Things I Think She Needs. She Says Auntie I Have No Room For Anything. LOl. I Try Not To Call So Much. But Once She Doesn’t Hear From Me. She Calls. I Really Loved Your Post. Awesome!!!
Thank you so much! Its so difficult letting go and trusting them to manage their new lives … Really appreciate your comment.
What a wonderful article! Well done.
Thank you, that is very much appreciated ❤️
My fifth child left home this summer to go to university, and it’s like there’s a huge hole in my life (my chest)! I have to physically stop myself stalking her….sad, isn’t it?
Oh bless your heart! It obviously doesn’t get easier then! Have you got boys or girls? I was far more worried about my son than my daughter for some reason… hopefully your 5th is all settled in now and busy with her exciting new life ❤️
Thanks for this post both my girls moved out at the same time in September one has been to Uni returned and now having secured a job wants to step out on her own. The other is off to Uni. It felt like a double blow and a week or so in I am still having my moments but both girls have made an effort to keep in touch which is lovely. I just need to start building up my life again which is quite hard. Plus I can’t help reflecting on them as babies and young girls. I am proud that I have turned them in to string independent women so they can walk away and enjoy their life adventures but I do keep asking myself where did all that time go!!
Thanks so much for reading and writing such a lovely comment. The fact that your daughters are constantly in touch means you have absolutely done a fantastic job raising them and I’m glad you are proud. I hope you can reflect on what a brilliant mum you are and will continue to be …. and can also make a life outside of them for yourself. Good luck with everything x
One of those rites of passage, and a tough one.
Thank you for reading.